Just when I thought nothing in the world could be uglier than ISIS, the NFL season has begun. Yes, fans, it’s time for some serious violence on the home front.
You know it’s a lousy time for the National Football League when, instead of debating who’s better, you’re debating who’s worse . . .
The guy who did this to his 4-year-old son:
Or the guy who did this to his fiancée:
Decisions, decisions. In the left corner, wearing purple – the color of bruises – we present Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings. Peterson loves his 4-year-old son. He says so, and who am I to argue with him? He loves his son so much that when the kid got into an argument over a video game and pushed away a kid he was playing with, Peterson felt the need to administer some discipline. So he beat the boy with a switch, leaving scars all over his legs, and he even struck his genitals at one point (because, evidently, he missed the legs, which I guess counts as a fumble).
The tale of the tape reveals that Peterson is 6-foot-1, 217 pounds. And his son . . . did I mention that the kid is 4-years-old? This is where I say thank you, mom and dad, for not loving me quite as much as Adrian Peterson loves his son.
What’s ironic here is that there are a whole lot of librul types who think the appropriate punishment for a kid who pushes another kid is a timeout, and you know who got the timeout? Adrian Peterson. He was forced to sit out the Vikings’ game last week.
The kid, meanwhile, couldn’t sit at all.
What’s astonishing is that Peterson isn’t the hands-down winner for worst person in the NFL (this week, with a long season ahead of us). Introducing, in the right corner, also wearing purple – the color of bruises – we present Ray Rice, formerly of the Baltimore Ravens.
Rice earlier this year had what has become the world’s most famous lover’s spat, cold-cocking his then-fiancée in a hotel elevator, spitting on her while she lay unconscious and then dragging her lifeless body out when it reached their floor. She married him, of course.
The tale of the tape reveals that Rice is 5-foot-8, 206 pounds. And his opponent . . . did I mention that she’s a woman?
Rice, unlike Peterson, was given a serious timeout – the Ravens dropped him from the team and the NFL suspended him indefinitely.
So this is a tough one, folks. Who’s worse . . . the guy who whips little children with a tree branch or the guy who slugs his girlfriend with his fist? This one may go into overtime.
Or maybe the winner should be . . . pretty much every football fan in New Rochelle, N.Y., the New York City suburb where Rice learned how to hit people. (On the field and off, evidently.)
Check out this video:
Listen to Louis DeRienzo, head football coach at New Rochelle High School, Rice’s alma mater. Our man Louie still loves young Ray.
“Having him here today means the world to me,” DiRienzo told reporters. “I’ve known Ray Rice since he was in 8th Grade, and he’s had one misstep in the years that I’ve known him.”
There you go. I had it all wrong. It was a misstep. Here I thought Rice had punched his fiancée square in the face, but now I know it was just a misstep. Like maybe Ray slipped on a wet spot in that elevator and was trying to regain his balance and he shot his arm out and . . . How about that, TMZ?
“So I think my kids are getting great lessons in terms of making a mistake, admitting it, not repeating it and learning from it,” DiRienzo continued. “So what better lesson to learn from an NFL superstar?”
What better lesson, indeed? Let’s move along and see Rice strutting on the sidelines, shaking hands with his fans, embracing them, fist-bumping them. Welcome home, hero. Missteps . . . mistakes . . . they are so damn inconvenient. All that matters is what happens on the field.
Don’t believe it? Just ask the fans on this other video, which aired the same night. Listen to that kid shouting “WE LOVE YOU, RAY!!!!” She clearly knows a misstep when she sees one. So does the guy who says “This is sabotage right now, it’s like a rolling avalanche . . . It’s ridiculous what they’re doing.” And the woman, who, when asked if the NFL did the wrong thing, says “Of course they did.”
Because, seriously, folks, who suspends a guy for a misstep? What could Goodell have been thinking?
Ray Rice remains out of the game, though he’s planning to challenge his suspension. Adrian Peterson, meanwhile, will be playing football this weekend, because there are people out there who think the best way to discipline children is to beat the hell out of them, and the Vikings say they really need to study the issue.
I was so getting sick of reading about ISIS. Thank you, NFL, for bringing the violence home.
— 30 —