Mrs. Watkins and the Big Bad Invisible Voodoo Guy in the Sky

BFSPull up a chair, kids, and I’ll tell you the story of Kindly Old Mrs. Watkins and how she unwittingly and unknowingly led me to my firm conviction that there is no Big Bad Invisible Voodoo Guy in the Sky.

It’s a long one; go grab a beer.

But first, some background, because all of this might not have happened if I hadn’t screwed up third grade, when Mean Old Mrs. Murphy sent me straight on my path to hell, or wherever those of us who don’t believe in the Big Bad Invisible Voodoo Guy in the Sky go when this life is over.

I had mastered the fine art of silent reading long before I entered third grade, and I reckon that was very inconvenient for Mean Old Mrs. Murphy, who more than anything liked order in her classroom. If it was reading-aloud time and the class was on Page 9 of the latest Alice & Jerry book, then Mrs. Murphy was going to make damned sure that every kid in the class had his or her page turned to Page 9 and was ready to read out loud when called upon.

And everybody meant everybody.

Well . . . everybody but me. Because I thought Alice & Jerry were supercool, and I just couldn’t wait to find out how their latest adventure was going to turn out. And did I mention that I had mastered the art of silent reading?

There was the rest of the class, their books dutifully opened to Page 9, and there I’d be, inevitably, tooling merrily along on Page 30 or somewhere when Mrs. Murphy, inevitably, would call on me to read out loud.

And every time, inevitably, I would have to ask Mrs. Murphy, in front of all my classmates, “What page are we on?”

And Mean Old Mrs. Murphy, inevitably, knew exactly how to handle an upstart 8-year-old. This situation called for public humiliation!

“I see Stephen isn’t paying attention again,” she’d tell the class, inevitably.

And so I knew well before Columbus Day that third grade was gonna be one tough slog, because there would be just too many inevitablies before summer vacation came along.

And then there was the issue of that poem we had to recite out loud, in unison, at an assembly, the one for which we prepared for months. It started out like this . . .

“The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
“He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.”

Listen real close and you’ll hear 8-year-old Stevie, his nose buried in Page 30 of an Alice & Jerry book, whispering the third-grade equivalent of . . .

“WTF?”

I knew very little about shepherds and wanting. And this being Brooklyn, N.Y., there were very few green pastures that some shepherd could maketh me to lie down in. And even if we could find a green pasture, where the hell were we going to find a shepherd?

And then we got to the “anointing my head with oil” part. That just sounded weird.

Now, I could memorize stuff OK. I knew, for example, that Crest had been shown to be an effective decay preventive dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care. I could relate to that. But there was no way in hell I was going to learn that twenty-third psalm. I mean, seriously, what’s a psalm? And why’s it got a “p” in front?

And how come we didn’t have to memorize the first twenty-two before we got to it? How come I can’t skip to Page 30 but Mean Old Mrs. Murphy can skip right to Psalm 23?

Clearly, I was doomed.

And so it was that my parents got me the hell out of P.S. 197 and sent me to Brooklyn Friends School when it was time to be a fourth-grader.

BFS was a cool school. I quickly made friends and I became quite fond of my new teacher, Kindly Old Mrs. Watkins.

You remember Mrs. Watkins? This is all about Mrs. Watkins. (Literary device courtesy of Arlo Guthrie.)

Aside: Mrs. Watkins is the teacher in the picture at the top. I’m there, too. Bet you can’t pick me out, unless you went to BFS.

Flash forward a few weeks and we’re in class one day when Mrs. Watkins, for some reason, decided we would discuss everyone’s religion. (This was OK, by the way, because BFS was a Quaker school. Reciting the 23rd Psalm in a public school one year earlier was definitely NOT OK, but we digress.)

Mrs. Watkins went around the class, and each kid had to say what his or her religion was. Just about everyone was Jewish or some variety of Protestant. This being Brooklyn, there were a lot of Catholic kids around, but they went either to public school or to parochial school. We had a smattering of Quakers in the class, too, this being a Quaker school and all.

So we were going through the class, and Howard said he was Jewish, and Ryan was Protestant, and Michael was Jewish, and Raye was Protestant, and Stephen was Jewish, and Laurel was Protestant.

And then Mrs. Watkins called on Robert, who over the past few weeks had quickly become one of my best friends in the whole world, which means an awful lot to a New Kid in School. And Robert stood up and said:

“I’m an atheist.”

Huh???

More than two dozen 9-year-olds listened very intently, because this was a new word. What the hell is an atheist?

An atheist doesn’t believe in god, Robert told the class.

WHOA!!! WHAT???? How can that be possible? EVERYBODY believes in god. Haven’t met him, haven’t seen him, never heard a word from him, but . . . he’s there, right? I mean . . . Who doesn’t believe in god? I’ll bet even Eddie Haskell believes in god.

But Robert didn’t believe in god. Which, of course, meant that his parents didn’t believe in god, because really . . . where do you get your religion from when you’re a 9-year-old? If your mom and dad are Klingons, then you’re a Klingon, and Klingons hadn’t even been invented yet.

And that’s when Kindly Old Mrs. Watkins set the wheels in motion. It’s been more than half a century, but I still remember the exact words she said to the class after Robert shocked the world.

“Let’s continue,” she said, “and see if we can find a religion for Robert.”

WHOA!!! WHAT????

I was barely 9-years-old but I already knew this much:

Robert was my friend, and if he didn’t have a religion, he certainly did not need one. Robert was doing just fine.

And this got me to thinking, and once you start thinking about your religion, I reckon all hell breaks loose. If Robert was doing just fine without a god, I thought, I could do just fine without one, too. There was room in this classroom for TWO atheists!

So let’s move ahead four more years, and I’m studying for my bar mitzvah. And since I attend a Quaker school a long subway ride from home, I can’t go to Hebrew School at the end of the day with the rest of the Jewish kids in my neighborhood. And besides, my father’s mother is very, very orthodox, and so I am going to be bar mitzvahed in an Orthodox synagogue.

Yeah. Me.

So my parents hired an Orthodox rabbi to come to our home twice a week and tutor me so that I could read my Haftorah with style and class, surrounded by about six guys wearing black suits who would be speaking no English. This part was actually pretty easy, because Hebrew is a phonetic language. Lean the letters, learn the vowels, and you can speak it even if you don’t have a clue what you’re saying.

So all was going fine and well until the day Rabbi Aronoff (I think that was his name) showed up with these black straps and a black cube and told me they were tefillin —  also known as phylacteries. Two more new words. They didn’t look any prophylactic I had ever heard of, but hey, you learn something new every day.

Rabbi Aronoff showed me how to put the black cube on my head like a miner’s flashlight, and how to wrap the black straps around my arm, and he told me I was supposed to pray every morning with these things on. But he didn’t say what would happen if I didn’t.

I don’t have time, I told him.

Find the time, he told me.

Yeah, like that’s gonna happen, I said to myself.

So for a few months, Rabbi Aronoff would show up twice a week to tutor me, and every time he’d start out by asking me if I’d been putting on my tefillin and praying.

And remember . . . this whole atheist thing is still nagging at me.

Now Rabbi Aronoff was a decent guy, so when it came to answering the tefillin question, I most definitely did not want to hurt his feelings. So I told him, sure, I’m putting on my tefillin. You betcha.

I waited a bit, and, remarkably, no lightning bolt crashed through the window. It turned out you could lie to the rabbi and nothing would happen.

A couple of months later, I stood among a bunch of old men, all wearing black suits, facing a large congregation — men downstairs, women upstairs — and recited my haftorah. I didn’t have a clue what I was saying, but I said it just fine. And, again, amazingly, no lightning bolt crashed through the window.

Half a century later, I’m still standing.

Robert had it right all along. There is no Big Bad Invisible Voodoo Guy in the Sky.

So here’s a tip of the hat to Mrs. Watkins, who set all the wheels in motion.

— 30 —

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18 thoughts on “Mrs. Watkins and the Big Bad Invisible Voodoo Guy in the Sky

  1. You’ve got me hooked Steve. Yours is now my read-first non-syndicated column! 🙂 ❤ Not being a mother, nor Jewish, I dare not even _breathe_ the word "synd…."

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  2. Again nicely written and funny too. There’s a typo “lean” instead of learn. I have one thought and it’s the same one I have everytime you discuss the absence of “god” (small letters in deference to you) but only this time you let me know just how far back it goes. Nietzsche, famously declared God was dead in the 19th Century and man was on his own free. Ok, we learned from that. When you were 9 you learned that you didn’t have to have a god, later, that he was just a stuffed scarecrow, a bogey man in the sky, with no power on earth, no real place in the the things and laws of our lives. Ok, but you seemed to have philosophically rested there in that revelation since then. I want to tell you that this important revelation is not the end but the beginning and an essential step in the philosophical spiritual journey. No-god has a lot to reveal about who God is. Forgive an insufferable fool.

    With love,

    George

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    • Thanks for the heads-up on the typo, George. Self-editing and self-publishing can be frightening. I guarantee you I catch that if it’s someone else’s writing. Beyond that, I’ll forgive your insufferable foolishness. We really should meet up in church one of these days. It’s adjacent to the Willets Point subway station.

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      • As a former almost-New Yorker (growing up near St Lawrence River amidst myriad dairy farms and related enterprises, therefore outside of the common “upstate” definition [mine, perceived] of “north of Yonkers and south of Albany”), I’m not familiar with the Willets Point subway station or environs. I know I could Google-Maps to find this church, but something tells me your directions and description will be worth my pinging you… 🙂

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      • Sorry, couldn’t resist or wait. IRT 7 line stop, Queens, Shea and Citi Field. I should have guessed. As good a location for the faithful as one might choose, and no doubt a site where the fans are indeed faithful (as they are or can be at Fenway…). Although I may have picked the Village Vanguard first (devout musician that I am), yours is perfectly logical too. Would love to be a fly on the wall (no pun intended, really…) for that discussion.

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      • Saint Seaver. Let me see, that would be Tom Seaver, so Saint Thomas, the doubting Thomas, also a lovely island in the Caribbean, and last but not least, the title of one of my favorite Sonny Rollins tunes. Sounds like spirituality to me! 🙂

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  3. My third grade teacher wasn’t interested in our religion. It was wartime. She just instructed us to bring her ration stamps!! After parents protested to the principal, she not only needed our ration stamps, but a new job.

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  4. Fourth Grade was my first one at BFS, from which I graduated in 1953. I think Mrs. Watkins was the first person I ever heard with a Southern accent. I remember her telling the class that the way to get a hoot owl to stop hooting was to tie a knot in the corner of your sheet. As someone who had moved to Flatbush from Paris. I never had an occasion to test out whether Mrs. Watkins’ approach to shutting up local hoot owls really works. I had to take it on faith, like God or god or no-god.
    But I don’t recall Mrs. W. ever asking for our religions. A good thing. too. Even at 9-10 years, my classmates and I would have hooted at her.
    Somewhere, though, I still have a BFS promotion folder from back then saying the school “accepts selected Asians and Hebrews.” Much later, it started accepting “selected” Negroes, starting with kindergarten and First Grade and moving them up a grade at a time. When I entered the class of ’53, just three of us out of about 25 were “selected ” Hebrews. By the time I graduated. there were only six non-Jews left in the class. And about as many who weren’t sons or daughters of doctors or dentists.
    But along the way, my first Soviet was a classmate for a couple years — Svetlana Orson, the rolypoly little girl of a UN diplomat. Other classmates were the North Carolina daughter of the head of the FBI for NYC and the daughter of the ranking admiral at the Brooklyn Navy Yard.
    I gather BFS is back to non-Jewish diversity nowadays, but I kinda doubt ol’ Mrs. Warkins would get away with asking for kids’ relligions.
    Anyway, lots of us ’53 class Jews wouldn’t have described ourselves as such. Our group didn;t just include atheists. We were also mystics, potential Quakers, and would-be Marxists. Ben Burdsall, our very Quaker and conservative Head of Upper School not only tolerated all that, he actively defended our right to our opinions — against some McCarthyite teachers who wanted action against the “Communist cell” in our Tenth Grade year. When the parents of one of my classmates wound up in jail for refusing to testify to the House Un-American Activities Committee, Ben Burdsall told that student and his older sister in the senior class that he would cover their tuitions and that they should say if they needed any other help.
    I got to know him very well indeed later, when I became the editor of the school paper, “The Life.” for which he was the faculty advisor. And I’m quite certain he would never have asked any of us to state our religions. But, then again, he wouldn’t have needed to. With his tacit consent and that of several other teachers, we kids were very upfront about openly debating our various, and often shifting, belief systems.

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    • Fascinating, Ronald. Thanks for contributing. Ben Burdsall — The Burd — was head of Upper School when my class graduated in ’68. He was a much beloved man. He died a year or two later.

      I have no idea why Mrs. Watkins had us all “divulge” our religions to our classmates. For all I know, someone called someone else a bad name and she wanted to make a point. But the occasion did set me on a path. I have her — and my old pal Robert — to thank for that.

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  5. Glad I’m not the only one kinda freaked out (er, would ‘non-plussed be more PC?) by the orthodox box hats and arm straps. Brought as Protestant (Congregationalist) and even with many Jewish friends surrounding me in all my formative years, I never experienced that until 1999 when attending an old friend’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah in Atlanta.

    I wish I’d had an epiphany like Steve’s when I was 9 or so. It would’ve saved me a lot of zig-zagging on religion. I stopped going to church after delivering the sermon to First Congregational in Worcester (MA) as president of the youth group on Youth Sunday in 1968. When I became a dad at age 32, I felt compelled to inhabit church-going again, for the sake of ethical frameworking for the spawn (er, ‘offspring’…). It was a UU church (Unitarian Universalist). Highly recommended for anyone teetering on the edge of caring about religion. They make the valid point that spirituality and religion are two different things. One is within you in its various forms, and the other one is external and hinges on belief systems.

    Since getting a boat in 2004, we’ve given up church again. Spirituality is all over the place on the ocean and environs.

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  6. Pingback: Worth reading, 07/11/13 | Woke up this morning …

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