Bronx cheer, 08/16/13

Gail Collins, America’s No. 1 columnist (no dearth of opinions here, folks), pointed out this week that there’s something about August.

She’ll get no argument here. How else can you explain all the Bronx cheer this week?

Let’s start with these guys:


The Crack Cartographers at MSNBC

And I’ll have whatever crack they’re smoking, because I’ve always wanted to drive from Syracuse to Buffalo in 20 minutes, and it’s really, really hard to come up with a map like the one above when you have five letters in your name and two of them – MS – stand for Microsoft.

Memo to MSNBC’s mapmakers: Next time, Bing it.


And then there’s this guy:


The Crack Graphicsmaker at NBC-NY

OK, I’ve gotten used to Temperature Humidity Index, Feels Like, Heat Factor, Wind Chill …

But Sweat Factor?!?! Who’s the brainiac who came up with this one?


And then there’s the guy who came up with this:


Memo to H&M:

New York is a city that never sleeps. It’s a concrete jungle where dreams are made. But one thing it isn’t is a cheap billboard location.

The picture above is an artist’s rendition of what will be a blight on my city’s skyline. As my mom would say:



And then there’s this guy:


Jack (Scruples Be Damned) Clark

Jack was a terrific ballplayer once, but now he’s just a bitter old man who comes up way short on the human decency scale. Jack, who does a radio show in St. Louis, decided to announce to the world that he knows “for a fact” that Albert Pujols used to do steroids, and that Justin Verlander probably did, too.

And Jack has irrefutable proof: Somebody told him.

It’s sad but true that athletes are guilty until proven innocent these days when it comes to PEDs, and that there’s really no way to prove innocence. Jack knows this, and he should know better than to throw about accusations based on hearsay.

Pujols, a future Hall of Famer, is suing Jack. I hope he’s clean, and I hope he takes The Ripper to the cleaners.


And then there’s this guy . . .


The Clown at the Missouri State Fair Rodeo

There are folks out there who think this is cute. Folks who think it’s funny. Folks who don’t understand that this caricature is racist . . . and that if this is how you perceive your president, then you’re a bigot, plain and simple. How can there still be a place for this sort of thing in what Dick Young used to call “My America”?

Watch, and try not to throw up:

What’s more . . . According to the video embedded in this writeup by NPR, the radio announcer is a superintendent of schools.

Weep for the children.


And then there’s this guy:


Child Support Magistrate LuAnn (I’ll Show You Your First Amendment) Ballew

Our gal LuAnn, who serves the 4th Judicial District in Tennessee, presided over a court hearing regarding the last name of a 7-month-old boy. Seems the kid’s mom and dad couldn’t agree on a name for this kid . . .


. . . and the case, not the baby, wound up in LuAnn’s lap.

So LuAnn did what any right-thinking judge would do. She considered all the facts, weighed both sides and decided what the baby’s last name should be.

And then she went off the rails. She also changed the baby’s first name, which neither mommy nor daddy had a problem with.

The parents had named their baby “Messiah,” and LuAnn would have none of that. “Messiah,” she ruled, “is a title and it’s a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ.”

She ordered that the baby’s name be changed to Martin DeShawn McCullough.

According to WBIR:

[The boy’s mother] responded saying, “I was shocked. I never intended on naming my son Messiah because it means God and I didn’t think a judge could make me change my baby’s name because of her religious beliefs.”

According to Judge Ballew, it is the first time she has ordered a first name change. She said the decision is best for the child, especially while growing up in a county with a large Christian population.

“It could put him at odds with a lot of people and at this point he has had no choice in what his name is,” Judge Ballew said.

Now THAT, folks, is an activist judge.


And then there’s this guy . . .


Bryan (Making Crap Up for God) Fischer

Bad News Bryan is “director of issues analysis” for the hate group also known as the American Family Association, and one of the issues this clown analyzed this week is this well-known photo:


Bryan has analyzed this picture every which way, and he announced on his radio show this week that he has come to the irrefutable conclusion that . . .

“If you go look at that picture, I believe the odds are good that [Barack Obama] was Photoshopped.

“Look at the size of his head compared to the size of the head of everyone else standing in the room. Even people standing in the back of the room; their heads are bigger than his head.”

Watch for yourself . . . Start paying attention at the 3-minute mark:

Fischer observes that Obama’s head is “teeny-tiny” in the picture, something a pinhead could easily conclude.

So here’s a big Bronx cheer for you, Bryan, for your latest contribution to the American conversation. Because what this country really needs most right now is another ridiculous conspiracy theory.


And while we’re on the subject of way-beyond-ultra-right-wing wackos, let’s give it up for this guy, the biggest Bronx cheer of the week . . .


Peter (There’s a Gay Hiding Under Every Rock) LaBarbera

Our Boy Petey, according to his bio, “is president of Americans For Truth About Homosexuality (AFTAH;, a Chicago-based organization dedicated to exposing and opposing the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) activist movement,” and it’s pretty funny that the screengrab above shows him on Fox News, because it’s highly unlikely he’ll be making any return appearances soon.

Petey, you see, has decided that Fox News has become far too left-wing for his taste. In fact, according to Petey, Fox News is taking the lead in promoting the dastardly homosexual agenda, and he’s written a 92-page (!!!!) hate screed that bears the title:

Unfair, Unbalanced and Afraid:
Fox News’ Growing Pro-Homosexual Bias
and the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association

That’s right, folks . . . Petey says Fox News is leading the media pack that is guiding America down the path to rampant homosexuality, and he picks apart every Fox News personality, exposing each and every one to be a lily-livered, rainbow-covered, Prius-driving gay sympathizer. Take that, O’Reilly!

And the worst of the bunch? None other than the devil herself . . .


Megyn Kelly, who LaBarbera says “has emerged as a committed pro-‘gay’ advocate. She is a valuable media ally for homosexual and transgender activists, who routinely tout her on-air pro-LGBT advocacy.”

Yeah. Megyn Kelly.

That’s all for today, folks. My head is exploding.

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