That’s my kite. It’s the only one I’ve ever owned and, roughly 30 years after Linda bought it for me, it is still, like Anthony Weiner, flapping in the breeze. I decided to go fly the thing a couple of weeks ago, and I’m sad to say that the world continued to go to hell in my absence. Some folks have been very, very bad of late. So without further delay, let’s all give a big Bronx cheer to . . .
This guy . . .
George Zimmerman, Sniveling Coward
OK . . . he’s not guilty of murder; I don’t think he left the car with the intention to kill Trayvon Martin, so he’s not literally guilty of murder.
He’s definitely guilty of manslaughter, but the jury felt otherwise. And, like it or not, we have to accept the jury’s verdict. I’m much more comfortable living with that than I am living with the alternative — a country in which vigilantes take things into their own hands when they don’t like the decision.
But here’s what I don’t accept . . . I don’t accept that everyone wanted to talk about stand your ground and self defense, but nobody wanted to talk about what was so obvious: the fact that this was another case of a nut with a gun.
Because if Zimmerman, the sniveling coward, doesn’t have a gun, then there’s no way in hell he gets out of his car — against the advice of law enforcement — and trails Trayvon Martin.
If Zimmerman, the sniveling coward, isn’t packing heat, then there’s no confrontation, no banging of face into pavement, no debating “who was screaming for help,” no blood, no nothing. Bupkis.
If Zimmerman, the sniveling coward, doesn’t have a gun, he sits in his car and waits for the cavalry to arrive. And when it does, the guys wearing badges ask Trayvon a couple of questions, compliment him on his hoodie and candy selection and send him and his Skittles home to watch the second half.
That’s what would have happened . . . should have happened, but didn’t happen because Zimmerman, the sniveling coward, had a gun in his pocket.
The gun made Zimmerman brave.
Now, this guy is such a loser that even the people he pulled out from under an overturned SUV don’t want to appear in public with him.
But at least he’s a living loser. Zimmerman, the sniveling coward, is out there somewhere, wasting our precious oxygen. Trayvon Martin, on the other hand, is dead.
Looking for an argument for gun control? I give you George Zimmerman.
And then there’s this guy . . .
Geraldo (Weiner Got Nothin’ on Me) Rivera
Memo to Geraldo . . .
Unless you’re this guy . . .
. . . you must keep your shirt on when you’re 70. And if 70 is the new 50, then you should have kept it on when you were 50, too.
And then there’s this guy . . .
Vladimir (I Swear I’m Straight) Putin
He’s so anti-gay, I think he may be Michele Bachmann’s next husband, once the current one outs himself.
Harvey Fierstein’s op-ed in the New York Times was an eye-opener, and essential reading.
On July 3, Mr. Putin signed a law banning the adoption of Russian-born children not only to gay couples but also to any couple or single parent living in any country where marriage equality exists in any form.
A few days earlier, just six months before Russia hosts the 2014 Winter Games, Mr. Putin signed a lawallowing police officers to arrest tourists and foreign nationals they suspect of being homosexual, lesbian or “pro-gay” and detain them for up to 14 days. Contrary to what the International Olympic Committee says, the law could mean that any Olympic athlete, trainer, reporter, family member or fan who is gay — or suspected of being gay, or just accused of being gay — can go to jail.
Oh, he’s a manly man, that Vladimir. He’s someone America’s social conservatives can get behind.
Very close behind.
And then there’s this guy . . .
He said he was clean, a victim of a poorly handled urine test. He said he went to that Florida clinic for some legal advice. He said . . . Who me? Not me!
Y’know what? I can deal with the doping. He’s not the first. And, sadly, he won’t be the last. You sit out a suspension, give up hopes of ever visiting Cooperstown, and get back to work.
What I can’t deal with is that this guy lied to everyone, and that he put a decent man’s job in jeopardy by publicly blasting him for mishandling his urine specimen when he knew all along it was dirty.
I’m glad he was suspended for only the rest of the season, and not for life, though, because I look forward to seeing him come to the plate next year, and hearing the boos cascade down on him from every seat in every ballpark he plays in. And I’m hoping some flamethrower — Aroldis Chapman, anyone? — nails him with a 100-mph fastball, and that Lyin’ Ryan’s teammates don’t bat an eyelash. No charging the mound for this guy. He isn’t worth protecting.
Lyin’ Ryan was supposed to be everything that’s right about baseball. An MVP-winning, Hall of Fame-caliber nice guy. A Jeteresque figure worthy of our admiration. This, you’d tell your kid, is a ballplayer to look up to. A mensch.
Be sure to read Tyler Kepner’s piece in the New York Times:
ARLINGTON, Tex. — There are liars and frauds and scoundrels, and then there are people like Ryan Braun, who somehow seem worse.
And this piece by Josh Levin in Slate:
Why is Braun such a villain? Because after getting a reprieve last year that it’s now pretty obvious he didn’t deserve, he had the gall to smear the lowest man on the baseball org chart to make himself look a teeny-tiny bit better. In February 2012, after he successfully appealed a 50-game drug suspension, the 2011 MVP smarmed his way through a victory press conference, whining that he’d been wrongfully accused and that the whole process had been so very hard on him. He also attacked the integrity of Dino Laurenzi Jr., the man who’d collected his urine sample. “There were a lot of things that we learned about the collector, about the collection process, about the way that the entire thing worked that made us very concerned and very suspicious about what could have actually happened,” he said, citing nothing at all to support his claims. “We spoke to biochemists and scientists, and asked them how difficult it would be for someone to taint the sample. They said, if they were motivated, it would be extremely easy.” At the same time, Braun praised his own moral rectitude, saying, “I will continue to take the high road. We won because the truth was on my side.”
Way to damage the game you professed to love, Ryan. “Loser” doesn’t even begin to describe you.
And then there’s this guy:
Anthony (You Want More? I’ll Show You More!) Weiner
What can you say? I see so many commenters comparing him to Clinton, Sanford, Spitzer, Vitter . . .
But Weiner is the worst of the bunch, because those other guys are, well . . . they’re guys. If you had a thing for prostitutes and you had $5,000 burning a hole in your pocket, chances are you’d be spending a few hours with a $5000 prostitute. If you suddenly fell in love with an Argentine beauty, you’d probably be out hiking the Appalachian Trail. If a 24-year-old intern . . . Oh, never mind.
But Weiner’s got them all beat. Those guys are guys. Weiner’s a perv, plain and simple.
He’s not even Anthony Weiner. He’s CARLOS DANGER!!!!!
That’s the name you’d give a superhero wearing tights. Uhhh . . . Skip the tights. Please, skip the tights.
Those other guys engaged in consensual sex with real, live adults. But not Weiner. Weiner sits at his computer and gets really, really icky. What’s more . . . How could he have been absolutely sure that the person he was tweeting his junk to wasn’t a 12-year-old girl? Or a 12-year-old boy?
This guy was sexting with people HE NEVER MET!
And, seriously, folks . . . Who on earth photographs his junk and posts it on Twitter? I haven’t seen the word “penis” in so many respectable publications in my whole life as much as I’ve seen it in the last few days.
A Facebook friend tells me that all the kids are sexting these days. So, OK, I guess I can deal with that.
But . . . Hello! Weiner’s not a kid!
Look, I love a tabloid war as much as the next guy, but we really don’t need to be watching this stuff every day for the next three months . . . or four years:
I feel bad for Weiner. He’s got a wife and a kid and some bigtime problems. But please, please, PLEASE stop running for mayor of New York. That’s a big job, Anthony, and you’re not up to it.
It’s a different kind of hard. Pull out now.
And then there’s this guy . . .
Gilberton, Pa., Police Chief Mark (My Words) Kessler,
This guy thinks it’s oh-so-cute to call the secretary of state of the United States a “piece of shit traitor.” He despises “libtards” and, according to Talking Points Memo, he “shot a photo of a clown that he described as ‘Nancy Pelosi with her gavel, when she was speaker of the House.’”
He also appears to have a thing about massacring trees.
Did I mention that he’s a police chief?
Here’s how Kessler defends his YouTube videos:
“I think the video is in support of the Constitution — the support of the First Amendment, the right to express your thoughts and words freely without reprisal from any government,” Kessler told the Republican-Herald. “That’s why I used the vocabulary I did. As for the firing of the guns, that is my Second Amendment right. I have the right to keep and bear arms regardless of what the government says that I don’t.”
Fair enough. But did I mention that Kessler is a police chief? His job is to calm the flames, not fan them. And he fails bigtime in these two videos:
Keep in mind, as you watch, in case I wasn’t clear . . . that’s a police chief speaking.
Best to steer clear of Gilberton, Pa., as you’re traveling this great nation.
And the winner is . . .
Whoever designed the uniforms that the New York Mets wore last night. Here’s David Wright, the New York Mets’ All-Star captain, scratching his head, trying to figure out who is responsible for the making him look like he’s playing semi-pro ball . . .
Congratulations, Mr. or Ms. Uniform Designer. Come on down and claim your Anthony Weiner Bobblehead Doll.
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